Amanda's Awesome Adventures

Priorities

2010-06-05T21:03:00.002-04:00

It seems that it's the season for new beginnings. As I wrap up this year at school and look forward to a summer that I hope will be restful and full of renewal, there are so many goals on my mind. I struggle to discern what should be an immediate priority and what can wait until another time. There are so many things I want to accomplish - so many things I hope to be one day. It is my prayer that I may take time to listen, and to seek out those activities that will help me to become the woman I was created to be - to allow the other things to melt into the background.

I'm quite excited to be moving with my roommate to Greensboro at the beginning of July. I am also changing grade levels next year, so I will be teaching two new preps in eighth grade. Both are indications of the new season my life is beginning.

As I dream about the days and years to come, my mind and soul are filled with possibilities. Here are a few of the things I am contemplating:

Train for the Ramblin' Rose Triathlon (I was doing really well with this, but haven't worked out regularly since I got bronchitis a few weeks ago)
Take yoga and/or pilates regularly as a physical and mental habit
Join a choir, take mandolin lessons, and/or get a keyboard so I can play the piano at my new apartment
Find a church that I can belong to in Greensboro
Join some other groups such as SynerG and United Way Young Leaders
Begin grad school with an online program in Instructional Technology
Attend multiple professional development workshops this summer
Volunteer with Greensboro Urban Ministry and/or Habitat for Humanity
Spend some time in professional reflection and planning for the year to come
Write, journal, and blog regularly
Find some sort of organizational system for my personal and professional life
Listen to more music! (Loving a mix of Sam Bush, The Avett Brothers, Carole King, Stoney LaRue, Corey Smith, and Sister Hazel at the moment)
Go on a date with someone other than an exboyfriend :-p

Obviously undertaking all of these activities is overwhelming. But it is my goal to pick a few to pursue rather than allowing all my ambition to be quelled by overwhelm. I welcome insights as to how to separate the worthwhile pursuits from those that can wait.

2010-02-22T21:57:00.000-05:00

This is the vision board I created this weekend while on retreat :)

God Says Yes To Me

2010-02-19T23:39:00.002-05:00

I asked God if it was okay to be melodramatic

and she said yes

I asked her if it was okay to be short

and she said it sure is

I asked her if I could wear nail polish

or not wear nail polish

and she said honey

she calls me that sometimes

she said you can do just exactly

what you want to

Thanks God I said

And is it even okay if I don't paragraph my letters

Sweetcakes God said

who knows where she picked that up

what I'm telling you is

Yes Yes Yes

(Poem written by Kaylin Haught)

Roll on Bye

2010-02-18T20:48:00.004-05:00

Don't be shy just let your feelings roll on bye

And don't wear fear or nobody will know you're there

Just lift your head and let your feelings out instead

No don't be shy just let your feelings roll on bye - Cat Stevens

This weekend I am planning a retreat. Last time I planned a retreat it was for 100 people, many of whom I didn't even really respect. I ran myself into a rut attempting to please every possible audience. The result was that nobody really got an overall meaning or message, and I became exhausted mentally, emotionally, and physically.

This time I am planning a retreat for me and only me.

I am going to spend some time remember who I am, and figuring out where I'm going.

I am going to spend some time thinking about what Lent means to me, today, in my life.

I am going to spend some time thinking about what it is I want and who it is I wish to be.

I am going to rest, and relax, and love myself.

Here is a list of some of the things I am considering for the weekend:

Vision Board/Collaging

Redecorating my room - I need that *special* piece

Phone calls to some special friends (Ruth, Abby, Crystal, Carol)

Poetry!

Pilates

Prayer breakfast at the church I visited on Wednesday

Writing thank-you cards to some special people in my life

Reading

Renting a silly video that I've been wanting to watch

Listening to fabulous music

Creating some awesome play lists

Cleaning out my life - kitchen/fridge; bathroom; corner in my room; car; dead fern in the sun room

Listening to some inspirational speakers and writers thanks to Jennifer Louden's Virtual Retreat

Treating myself to a massage

Journaling

Creating a plan of action for areas in which I'd like to evolve (finances; physical health; cleanliness of my surroundings)

Setting a goal for the month :)

Photo is a picture of the beautiful Iranian New Years tradition "Haft Sin" by Hamed Saber

Words for 2010

2010-02-09T21:51:00.003-05:00

Free

Real

Awake

Shimmer

Healthy

Listen

Wind

Soul

Song

Dance

Clarify

Clear

Clean

Sparkle

Translucent

Transparent

Glisten

Post Honeymoon Faith

2008-10-06T20:56:00.002-04:00

Church-hopping, moving to a new city, examining my faith, trying out new relationships, beginning a new job, disciplining children, lesson planning for hours each day, managing my finances, and dealing with post-graduate life are all enough to leave me utterly exhausted recently. And as I feel I am missing something - the true community, reverence, worship, that comes from joining a church - I also feel like I've had my optimism and joy beaten out of me every time I visit someplace new.

I am absolutely tired of hearing your salvation story, your altar call, your version of what Jesus Christ did for me.

I don't give a damn why or how you became a Christian. Chances are very good that I already know.

I want to know how you keep being one.

After the salvation high, after the lust-with-Christ phase, after disappointment, and heartbreak, and failure, and lonesomeness, after all the excitement is lost and what you're left with is a day-t0-day commitment, a daily struggle, waking up to the same God and church that falls utterly short of God's glory. When you're left facing a struggling, hurting, cynical, impoverished, diseased, illiterate, intolerant, unhappy world. Facing a hipocritical, money-driven, judgemental, dry, lukewarm Church . . .

I want to know what you do then. Then, when you wake up alone, in a new city, with a new job and a new life and a soul full of doubts.

In that place, I want to know how to be a Christian. I want someone to show me how to walk that faith.

I know what it's like to fall in love with Jesus. I want to know what to do about the rest of the journey.

I <3 NC

2008-09-15T20:09:00.003-04:00

Truth be told, I don't so much believe in heaven. Salvation, sure. Reincarnation, perhaps. But it's hard for me to get my head around us all holding hands and singing hymns on a cloud oneday. It's a pretty picture, but honestly, it sounds a bit boring. Not much like me. And it requires a little too much blind faith for my taste. So here's the confession: I don't believe in heaven. But if I did, I think it'd be a little bit like this weekend . . .

I went to the Outer Banks this weekend for the first time I can remember. And it was fabulous. I went with Heidi and Nathan. We spent the weekend in a cottage with Heidi's family. And it was soo good. Such good company - in the car, on the beach, in the pool. It's the first time since the end of July that I remember not feeling stressed. The first time I remember simply being happy. And it was such a gift.

The ride to the beach was glorious. Heidi and Nathan picked me up in Burlington around 6. We grabbed some dinner and drove to the East Coast on 64. The sun was setting just as we set out, and it was absolutely beautiful. It was this huge golden disk, just sinking in the sky. We listened to 100.7 The (New) River almost all the way to the beach. And it was just a moment of infinity. Great music, good conversation - jokes and memories and laughter. A great trip with great friends. I learned a myth about Virginia Dare, and threw a penny over the bridge for good luck, and saw the (ugly) Wright Memorial, and sang songs that remind me of college and songs that remind me high school and songs that remind me of love.

Heidi's family rented a cottage that was huge. It had its own pool and hot tub. We got the whole basement, and it was awesome. We stayed up after 1 just talking and hanging out and watching Heart of a Lioness on Animal Planet. (1 is super late for me - I usually go to bed around 8:30.) The television turned itself on sometime after I feel asleep and before Heidi and Nathan did. At first we thought it was an alarm, but the alarm wasn't set to go off. And Heidi said, "oh, it's my mom," in that way she does that is a little bit joking but not really. And I think it probably was. I talk to Heidi's mom sometimes. Not like entire conversations. Not like prayers. But I tell her hello when I think she might be around. So I told her hello. And I went to sleep and dreamed that I adopted a baby. A dream I hope comes true oneday.

Saturday morning we woke up and ate breakfast. Then we went to the beach. We drove out to Corolla until the road ended. And we all piled into the Jeep and kept driving, past the horse fence, right onto the beach. And it was the best thing ever. It's like the parkway but the beach, and gorgeous, and we opened the trunk so we could feel the wind. And we were all piled on top of each other and Heidi and Nathan and I were in the trunk. And it smelled like the sea. And we passed other 4 wheel drives and waved. And we watched a CRV being towed out of the sand, and I learned not to drive my car on the beach.

When we got to a spot that wasn't crowded we stopped. And we got out. And it turned out that I had been sitting on Heidi's mom (her ashes that is). So I apologized, and we laughed, and we poured her into the ocean. And we hugged and teared a minute, and then we swam. It was a great swim. The weather was gorgeos. The waves were gentle. It was a little cold, but we got used to it after a while. WE played and splashed and floated around. We saw some pelicans, and Nell said that her mom always loved pelicans, she would have loved for them to be there. And then we swam against the current and out to a sandbar. We were in ankle deep water 50 feet out. And when we swam back in we were with the current, and it carried us, and every step was little bounce, like walking on the moon, or flying. And then we dried in the sun and drove back to the house.

We swam for a while and played in the pool. In the afternoon, Heidi and the family went to her cousin's wedding. Nathan and I went to visit the lighthouse. It was so cool. It is so neat to stand in something so beautiful, and so old, that saved so many lives. Something that stands for protection and innovation and duty and constancy. We walked up the steps and read the information and took in the gorgeous view all around. We were surrounded by water - the sea on one side and the sound on the other. Below, in the courtyard, a wedding was taking place. I decided I might want to get married at a lighthouse oneday. Butterflies were playing in the garden, and the shadow of the lighthouse streched out over pine trees. We talked about which beach house we'd live in, if we could. I found that peace I always find when I watch the ocean. And when it was time to go, we left.

We went to Food Lion to get dinner and booze, but the line was ridiculous. We counted NC license plates in the parking lot and found 2. Eventually, we found a Harris Teeter and got frozen pizza and a gift bag for the baby shower. We went to "The Currituck County ABC Store," which is attached to "The Currituck County Visitor's Center," which we found hilarious. Then we went home and played in the pool, ate pizza, and watched ghost stories on BIO. Eddy and Claire came home and we hung out with them a bit. Then Heidi came home and we drank and swam and talked and played until 1 in the morning again. We broke 6 of the rules posted by the pool at the same time. It was fabulous, and fun. I didn't feel responsible. I felt free, and happy, and so lucky. I realized it's been a while since I felt really, truly happy, and I vowed to feel that way more often.

We finally went inside and watched CNN specials about the VP candidates and went to sleep. But I had been drinking coke and I couldn't sleep until around 3.

In the morning we swam some more and had a baby shower for Nell. We met Heidi's extended family who were all not sure quite who we are and made remarks like "It's nice to see you again" or stared blankly at the wall behind us. We took family photos and ate brownies and roast beef. And then we drove home.

The drive home is always longer than the drive to get there. And it's always a little more melancholoy and less exciting. But the music was just as good, and the conversation meant just as much. I fell asleep for a bit. I woke up to a road lined with cotton and tobacco. We drove through Williamston to see where Heidi came from. We stopped at the river, and saw her house, and the dry cleaners, and Main Street. And the houses reminded me of my grandmother's house at Park Avenue. And the farms reminded me of my great aunts and uncles. And I thought about how much I miss the mountains and how much I love the sea. And we all agreed that we love North Carolina. Tobacco, cotton, Southern Baptists, the biggest sand dune in the world, Appalachian football, Carborro, sweet Duplin wine, sunsets in the piedmont, snowstorms, eastern BBQ, the Avett Brothers, my family, my friends, and so much, so much more. I love this state.

We kept driving home. Stopped at Olive Garden for dinner. Nun bowled when we got back to my place. Talked of sex shops and Halloween and upcoming visits. And I treasured every moment. It was a great refresher, a great escape, a great reality. It was good to love and be loved. It was good to remember. It was good to make memories.

Worth It

2008-03-23T13:20:00.002-04:00

I love Easter. I've been thinking a lot recently about "salvation" and Christ and why I say I'm a Christian. A lot of it has to do with Jesus. The way he lived his life, and the way I believe we should live our lives. A lot of it has to do with the concept of self-sacrifice and humility that is so important to Christians. A lot of it has to do with our cutlure, the way I was raised, and the way I understand God and worship. A lot of it has to do with Easter.

I really, truly beleieve that humans need that concept of Easter. We need the concept of Christ, of Rebirth, of Renewal, of beginning again. People have told me before that every new day is a new chance to get it right. Every new day is a miniature miracle. And I believe that. But I think, all together, humans need something to believe that for. We need that belief so we can keep going - keep living.

Yesterday I was reading the liturgy for Easter, and it began to make sense for me. Things I had forgotten came back; I began to understand the point again. The psalm for yesterday talks about those time when life sucks. It talks about losing friends and lovers. It talks about people you love letting you down, and not having a place to turn. It talks about people you love dying. It talks about feeling alone and hopeless, and not being able to find God.

And then Easter comes. And there God is.

The sermon I heard today talked about the same thing. She talked about how alone Mary must have felt, waiting all night in the grave yard, and then discovering that her best friend's body had been stolen. She paralleled Mary's darkness to the darkness in our own lives when we go through times of despair and death. Death of friendship. Death of love. Death of hope. Death of life.

I could relate to this sermon because the last year of my life has carried a lot of death. I have a CD I made last year over Easter. I made it because of losses I was experiencing in my life as some of my closest friends were moving away. I listened to the CD this morning, and I thought of all that has happened between last Easter and this Easter. I have lost some of my closest friends, mainly because they have moved away. I have lost an important relationship. I have watched two of my best friends lose a parent. I have watched my own family struggle with some serious issues.

I have lost a lot of my idealism. I used to look at the world and sincerely believe that everyone was good, everyone was doing his or her best, and things would be okay. But this year I have learned that sometimes life is not okay. And sometimes people really don't do their best, no matter how much you want them to. And sometimes loving someone isn't enough. And sometimes my reactions and expectations and ways of dealing with things are not consistent with the Woman I would like to be. And sometimes people just randomly die - for no apparent reason. I have learned that as beautiful as life is, sometimes it is really ugly, really painful.

But the point of the sermon today was that when death speaks (death of anything ,or anyone), it only has one line to speak. "It is finished." That is all death says. The minister today, she said, "And then there is silence. Sometimes a very, very long silence." But after silence, God is still speaking.

The beauty of God is that God can not be contained by a tomb, or a box, or a death, or a relationship, or a failure. God is so much bigger than any of that. God rises, and recreates, and transforms, and begins again. God always chooses life.

The minister went on to point out that sometimes people are tempted to lock themselves in their own "Upper Room" after a death. We lock ourselves away, because we are afraid. We lock ourselves away, because we can't see God, and we don't know where to look anymore. And if we lock ourselves away, we often become the walking dead. There is no Life left to us. There is no faith, no joy, no Passion.

The beauty of Easter is the hope that the Passion and Life and Joy that come from living a life consistent with God - that come from a God who calls us by name - is not something that can be lost. It is ever-changing. It is ever-evolving. It is beautiful and challenging and defies description. But it is always here. It rises again. And, created in Its image, we also rise.

Easter is a beautiful story because it is magical, and hopeful, and full of springtime and new life. It is like Santa Claus but way better. And I am a Christian because I believe that humans need that kind of hope, that kind of magic. I believe that kind of faith and renewal is what makes life worth living and sharing and dancing through.

Shame on You

2008-02-09T11:52:00.000-05:00

Just got back from an Indigo Girls concert. It was incredible. Absolutely amazing. Women everywhere: dancing and happy. I love Asheville. I love live music. I love their lyrics and their guitars and the passion and love that were everywhere. The whole auditorium sang along to every song. Such a feeling of joy and community - and I love when someone takes the thoughts in my head and turns them into a song. Sheryl Crowe. Ani. Alanis. Christine Kane. The Indigo Girls. They make art out of life.

Anyway, in their song, "Shame On You," one verse goes like this:

My friend Tanner she says you know
Me and Jesus were of the same heart
The only thing that keeps us distant
Is that I keep fuckin up

Everyone screams the last line. And I love it. Because it is true. Because it is real. Because it embraces humanity, and women, and life.

Fucking Up

2008-02-07T17:30:00.000-05:00

So I was looking at a friend's Facebook profile today, and her "About Me" says: i fuck up. And I thought, dude, that should be my about me. That's perfect. Because let's face it, I do.

It's interesting though, sometimes I let the mistakes really get me down. There are still mistakes resonating from last semester or the summer or a few years ago that from time to time take over my mind, and I sit around thinking about them. Trying to figure out what I should have done differently. Trying to figure out what I did that went against Who I Was Created to Be, and how I can keep from doing that in the future.

The thing is, though, I can't. And maybe that is the lesson in forgiveness that I keep being supposed to learn and don't. I fuck up. You fuck up. We all do. Most of the suffering (if not all) in the world would be prevented if people would just stop fucking up. We don't live up to who we'd like to be, or who we're called to be, or who our parents or friends or teachers or lovers think we are.

Ash Wednesday was yesterday. It is my favorite holiday (I know, weird.) But I like it because it reminds us how human we are. "Remember that you are from dust, and to dust you will return." Dust. That is all we are. Without grace, without love, without redemption - we are dust. It's humbling. It's important to remember, and admit, and move on.

I am only dust without Your Grace. But with Your Grace, I am beautiful. I am a Creation. I am Amanda. And yeah, I fall short. And yeah, I fuck up. A lot. And a lot of those fuck ups are the same thing over and over and over again. But that is the essence of humanity. That is the purpose of Redemption and the Hope that comes from Communion with God. Lent is all about admiting our humanity and pursuing the Divine.

I am looking forward to this chance to Recreate. To dance, and love, and start over, and try again. To listen to Jesus, to listen to Amanda. And to be.

Sin, Celebrations, and the Virgin Whore

2007-10-15T21:50:00.000-04:00

Over the weekend I went to Davidson to see Colleen, and then I went home for a few days. And it was sort of a time of renewal. I really needed to get away - get out of Boone - and remember who I am and what I want to do, like in life. It was really good to be with people who remember. It was really good just to be.

Anyway, I observed my old english teacher's AP English 12 class, and they were talking about Heart of Darkness and Apocalypse Now and Hamlet and Million Dollar Baby and some poems. And the kids started talking about "the edge". Like where is that place when you are no longer really human . . . you are lost? And how do you get there? And how do you keep from getting there? And situations that require you to pick the lesser of 2 evils, and such.

As they were talking, my teacher brought up a very important point. And for me, sin was finally defined. Sin is something I have really been struggling with for the past few years. Not in terms of committing a lot of sins, although I am sure that has happened, but in terms of finding a definition I could live with. I don't buy into sin as being defined biblically . . . there are too many rules and laws in the bible, and they are too contextual. I don't buy into sin as something that separates you from God . . . I mean ok . . . but that definiton gets thrown at people and alot and really I think it would be different for each person.

But anyway, my teacher asked the students to think about times when they have done things that they know go against the person they were meant to be. And I think that fits. I think it works because you can feel it when it happens. And there is not a specific action that qualifies - it depends on who you are and who you want to be and where you are on your journey. And it works for things you honestly don't know are wrong - because how can you sin out of ignorance? I like it. I think it's true.

I think I have been doing a lot of things recently that go against who I was meant to be. And they're not big things. They're little things. But they build up. And I get caught in this monotony and this feeling of being stagnant. . . Like maybe where I am was fine a year ago, but I am not growing closer to that person that I want to be. I am just here, being. And it is sort of gross. Sort of like when you ride in a car for too long or somethiing. Nothing terrible, just a little gross. So I want to make a commitment to myself to take time to ask God, and myself, where I am going. To think about each day as a Creation. And to take advantage of chances I have to grow and change.

Also, I have been thinking about the women in my life, particularly those of you who are far away. And recently I've been looking foward to things to celebrate with you - like Halloween or birthdays or graduating or getting married (hypothetically). And I have decided that it is maybe the truest blessing to have people who can share your celebrations. Like of course a lot of people are always up for a party, but to have people who really understand what specific celebrations mean to you, and who are willing to celebrate them - even to celebrate a break up or a bad grade or a period - who understand you enough to understand why the celebration matters - and who really want to share in it - that is something beautiful. We tend ot think of close friends as people who can share in our suffering. And that is a blessing too, but it has been my experience that most times suffering is not really something that can be shared with another. Others can listen, and hug, and love - but they can not truly share. Celebrations, I think, can be shared. Truly. And I am excited about all the ones that are to come, and the beautiful friends I have to share them with.

Lastly, and I realize that this post is very random and also lengthy, I wanted to share a quote I came across about the Virgin Mary. Now lots of times I am not so much a fan of Mary, because she is so "pure" and such, and it gets old. Interestingly enough if anyone remembers my "virgin whore" poem/joke from high school it turns out that is a real sociological phenomena. Like women are expected to be pure but also seductive, which causes psychological confusion, and leads to sexism . . . but it is called the Virgin Whore. I learned that today in DEs. But anyway, Clarissa Pinkola Estes wrote about Mary so beautifully, and with such passion and realism, that it made me sort of fall in love with her. This is what she said:

"La Nuestra Senora, this Miryam, Maria, Mary, Madre Guadalupe, is no lanina pura, no nice, pure, obedient girl. She is instead pure woman, obedient only to the wildest Force imaginable: that Source without source, La Voz, The voice so much larger than her own voice, the One who asked that she lend her blood, her bones, and her spirit to create a Life that would forever be named Eternal Love."

Can you imagine anything more beautiful than that?

Sanctify

2007-10-03T20:34:00.000-04:00

So today I was sort of yearning for osmething . . . holy. So I went to Howard's Knob. It was cloudy and hazy outside, and about 6:30. I just caught a glimpse of sunset. But it was such a peaceful, holy place. It was so beautiful to be surrounded by Creation. To take a step back, and think of what it means to commune with God. What it means to make something sacred. To make time sacred. To make a moment sacred. To make an action, or a task, or a relationship sacred. To honor the sacred in another. To honor the sacred in myself.

So often I lose sight of the sacred that is all around. I forget to stop and take time to acknowledge the beauty and power around me. I forget to humble myself and seek the sanctity of honesty, love, and selflessness.

As I was looking out over Boone, I thought of other sacred moments I have shared at Howard's Knob. Moments of prayer and study and worship - alone, but alos often with Abby. I thought about her journey to find the Sacred in Grenada, and of the blessing we share in prayer and love for one another. I thought about the Seminarians in Mexico. Perhaps the most important thing they gave me was the gift of a week in which everything became sacred. They gave a glimpse into true community, true worship, true sacrifice.

That is what I want to carry into my life. Through all that I do. I want my teaching to be sacred, my friendships to be sacred, my endeavors to be sacred. I want to love with all that I am, to worship with all that I am, to seek truth with all that I am. I don't want to lose sight of all that is to come, of all that is around in the monotony of every day. I want each day to be an opportunity for worship. EAch moment to be an encounter with the sacred. The special. The beautiful. God.

RAPPS

2007-10-01T21:35:00.000-04:00

So . . . I am trying to start a long-distance small group. I know that sounds kinda lame. But I realized that there are a lot of really interesting, intelligent, open-minded people in my life that I would like to discuss things like God and faith with, but that at the moment most of them do not live in Boone. So I decided it was worth a shot. And I have gotten some interest. People seem pretty open to discussing some Bible-ness in a nontraditional format. Of course, we'll have to wait and see where it goes. But I am excited. It seems like it could be a great forum for discussiong questions and struggles and passions openly and honestly. We started another blogspot account where we can post our responses and questions to whatever readings we are following.

Today I taught my first lesson, and I think it went pretty well. It was about the First Amendment. The class I am in always, ALWAYS fills out a worksheet about the section in the book while the student teacher goes over a textbook-created power point presentation of the same information, so I was afraid to deviate too far from the standard. I did, however, create my own power point presentation. And I added a short video about the supreme court case Tinker v. Des Moines (about freedom of speech in schools related to protest armbands during Vietnam). Students filled out a little viewing guide worksheet about the video, and used the precedent to form their own opinion about whether or not the Confederate flag should be allowed to be displayed at school. Out of 3 classes of over 25 students each, about 4 kids are against the Confederate flag being allowed at school. Haha. Proof that I am not indoctrinating my students with my personal opinions . . . at least not yet. Interestingly, at Avery high school, kids are allowed to wear the confederate flag. It was against the rules at my high school.

Anyway, I think it went okay. It was kinda hard to get kids to talk. But that might be a little easier if I had known anyone's name so I could call on them. And noone was rude or mean or anything. And I think they go their boring worksheets filled out ok. And I felt sort of alive and happy and like I was actually contributing to something. So I guess we can count it as a success. The next lesson I am teaching will be about Swann v. Charlotte-Meck schools. Be excited.

Beyond Me

2007-09-09T22:08:00.000-04:00

Have I mentioned that I wish I had a small group?

Well, I do. In a way. I miss having that community, and support, and challenge. I miss interesting perspectives about God and life. Recently, it seems that all the small groups I've tried either piss me off or are all like "Jesus loves you. You should pray. God wants us all to be nice to each other." Which is fine . . . But I kinda want something more. I want to really explore the Bible and why we even listen to it . . . or talk about social justice issues related to Christianity . . . or explore feminist theology . . . or talk about Jesus as an educator. Something new. Something different. Something to make me think and pray and act.

I feel closest to God now when I am all by myself. Which is a new experience for me. I feel closest to God when I am thinking about education. When I am exploring how to reach children and how to love children and how to create justice through education. Sometimes I get this huge "I know this is what I have to do." feeling about social justice education. It is like this incredible hand pushing me or something. But I also get this huge feeling of being overwhelmed. Of never being good enough. Like I know no matter how hard I try, I am not gonna reach every person. Parts of me are gonna suck. And I'm scared of being a bad teacher or human being or of not reaching my potential or of being too afraid to make any difference. I'm scared of not loving enough. Of not trying enough. Of not knowing enough. It's all these big feelings. It's kinda complicated.

Tomorrow I begin my internship at Avery High School. I am pretty excited. I am working with a Civics teacher which is awesome, because I think I really want to teach Civics and World History. This semester I am also doing a senior project where I will be desigining a Civics cirriculum that integrates social justice pedagogy. I"m pretty excited about that too. I hope that is the beginning for something great . . . something fun and challenging and meaningful and beyond me.

beyond the sunset

2007-08-02T16:30:00.000-04:00

Last night I had a dream that I was pregnant and drinking wine. And I was very happy.

Now of course, that is not a good combination of situations to begin with. And the joy I felt was strange, because for many years I have had a recurring dream that I was pregnant, and this dream has always come as a nightmare. I have felt ashamed and sad and confused and terrified and unsure of how to handle the situation.

Last night, though, I felt blessed. And happy. And alive. And I wanted to celebrate with my friends.

I looked up pregnancy and wine in a dream symbols dictionary online. I am a big believer in dreams - what they tell us about ourselves, our inner wants and fears and relationships. I think God talks through dreams all the time.

According to the dream dictionary, a glass of wine symbolizes joy, celebration, and often (ironically enough) pregnancy. Pregnancy in a dream symbolizes the birth of a new self, transformation, and new beginnings. Just for clarification, I am certain that I am not pregnant, so we'll have to go with the more symbolic interpretations.

In many ways this dream makes sense because yesterday I just moved into a new apartment. I spent the day unpacking, cleaning, and decorating. I did most of it alone, and it was a good day. It was good for me to be creating something. To have space to be and feel and make this part of my life the way I would like for it to be. It was good for me to have space for myself to be alone and to feel at home.

Last night, Jimbo, Erin, Abby, and Jeffrey came over. Close friends. My best friends. Two of them are leaving within a few weeks. And the night was great - they examined my apartment and gave me advice about decorating and maintenance and helped me set up a few things. And we talked about college. We reminisced about our favorite times and our growing times and our times together. It was beautiful. And I felt so at home. So content.

At the end, though, Abby started crying. And I can't blame her really. She and Erin are leaving soon and I am sad beyond words. Two of my three best friends. Gone. And Abby will be in Greneda, which is not exactly a drivable visit. This year beginning is a hard thing for me to accept. It is hard for me to imagine the year to come - how I will fit, who I will love, who will hold me when I cry or drink wine with me or dance in the rain or pray with me . . .
This sisterhood I've shared with these girls has been irreplacable - special - beautiful - sacred. I've spent a lot of time worrying and crying about what is to come. And I love Jeffrey, again, beyond words. But of course he is a boy, which makes things different. And our relationship has changed a lot within the past four or five months. It's been tense at times - and I know our friendship is stronger now, but there is a lot of unknown there too . . .

So anyway, I've felt a lot of anxiety about AUGUST. About being a senior, student teaching, and ALL THAT IS TO COME. But last night, I did not feel any of this. I just felt peace, and joy. And I know that it will be okay. That this year will be an opportunity to discover myself and explore Boone and this world (college) as far as possible. That it will be my last chance to live in the moment and pull the young-stupid-just having fun card. And that God, grace, and love will be present every step of the way.

I remember when I was in Mexico one of the most comforting thoughts I had was that I am loved - even beyond the sunset. I mean that if they sun were to never rise tomorrow, I would still know that there is a love that will follow me through eternity - wherever I may go. I am so grateful for those relationships that nourish that type of love.

As E.E. Cummings wrote:

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

imagine the divine

2007-07-18T16:12:00.000-04:00

"You mean being 'religious' is not merely a matter of conforming to massive rule books handed down by generations of legalistic scholars? I actually have to think about things like 'manifesting the beauty Divine' in the here and now, not just follow a crime-and-punishment logic to please Grand Inquisitor God?"

"To seek the living manifestation of spiritual and ethical values themselves, regardless of the label they come under, is to discover unexpected kinship with persons from utterly different social and religious backgrounds. In this view, faith is no longer a matter of allegiance to a specific community or identity, but a ceaseless search for the beautiful ways to realize the human potential in every given age and place."

Both of the above quotes are from Mohja Kahf, writing about growing up Muslim in America in an essay, "Around the Ka'ba and Over the Crick"in the book Face to Face, edited by Linda Hogan and Brenda Peterson.

I love the essay because Mohja's struggle is my own. It is the struggle that defined my "growing up" as a child - as I sought a way to live truly to my faith while at the same time standing up for justice and equality in ways that were contradictory to the dogma I heard from Conservative Christians who permeated my community.
And yet, when I finally believed I had mastered such an act I came to college and was heartbroken by the conflict, close-mindedness, and rigidity I encountered in a campus ministry that claimed to come from the same faith in which I was raised. It was enough to make me seriously reconsider my invovlement in any religious body - something I am still struggling with, still trying to figure out.

The thing is though - as humans I think we were created to yearn for intimacy, both with one another and with the Divine. And the best place I found to encounter such initimacy is a community of faith - for me a church. I struggle with this yearning for intimacy as well as with a deep objection to any group who wants to tell me what I should or must believe or do in order to be a "good Christian," or a "good person," or in particular a "woman of God."

I don't believe that people were created to conform to specific rules - either of who they are allowed to be or how they are allowed to believe and love and conduct themselves. I believe that there is Divinity and Dignity in every single person, because every souls is a Creation from God. And if that is true - then I think our goal is to honor and love and nurture the Divine that is in each person, rather than to subscribe to a bunch of rules or to condemn our neighbors because of things that are different - things that scare or confuse us.

But as I say these things I realize that there is a Truth more important than what "I believe". That truth is manifested in so many ways, in so many things. It is manifested in the beauty of Creation, in the joy of each individual relationship, in humor, in art, in suffering. That Truth permeates the universe - it is all around us all the time. I believe we are happiest and most at peace when we take the time to appreciate that Truth - in all its complexity and confusion -wherever and whenever we are. One of my goals in beginning this blog is that it will be a place where I can reflect upon things that I am truly grateful for, whether they be people or moments or opportunities. In delving deeper into these things, I hope to engage in a certain aspect of worship - that is - appreciation of the sacred.

As Linda Hogan and Brenda Peterson write in the Preface to their book:
"The original meaning of the sacrifice is "to make sacred," but we can make sacred without focusing only on sacrifice. We can sing, dance, study, and include all other sentient beings in our definition of holy. We can 'imagine the divine' . . . "

beginnings

2007-07-18T15:52:00.000-04:00

Since all my friends are apparently switching to BlogSpot (and by all my friends, I mean Micah and Abby) and the only person left on Xanga is going to be living with me next year, so I'll probably be pretty up-to-date on her activities, I decided to give it a try myself.

I think it's important for me to be more reflective. To write more - and express myself and my thoughts - and think things through. I think it's really good for me to have an outlet.

so . . . welcome.

You are welcome to read this blog - my thoughts on God and life and justice and dancing and what it means to be a woman and what it means to be Myself. But realize that mainly, it is for me - a place where I can play and share and explore - a place to discover, and re-discover my dreams values and fascinations. A place to hash out the inner conflict between growing up and trying so hard not to.