Just got back from an Indigo Girls concert. It was incredible. Absolutely amazing. Women everywhere: dancing and happy. I love Asheville. I love live music. I love their lyrics and their guitars and the passion and love that were everywhere. The whole auditorium sang along to every song. Such a feeling of joy and community - and I love when someone takes the thoughts in my head and turns them into a song. Sheryl Crowe. Ani. Alanis. Christine Kane. The Indigo Girls. They make art out of life.
Anyway, in their song, "Shame On You," one verse goes like this:
My friend Tanner she says you know
Me and Jesus were of the same heart
The only thing that keeps us distant
Is that I keep fuckin up
Everyone screams the last line. And I love it. Because it is true. Because it is real. Because it embraces humanity, and women, and life.
Saturday, February 9, 2008
Thursday, February 7, 2008
Fucking Up
So I was looking at a friend's Facebook profile today, and her "About Me" says: i fuck up. And I thought, dude, that should be my about me. That's perfect. Because let's face it, I do.
It's interesting though, sometimes I let the mistakes really get me down. There are still mistakes resonating from last semester or the summer or a few years ago that from time to time take over my mind, and I sit around thinking about them. Trying to figure out what I should have done differently. Trying to figure out what I did that went against Who I Was Created to Be, and how I can keep from doing that in the future.
The thing is, though, I can't. And maybe that is the lesson in forgiveness that I keep being supposed to learn and don't. I fuck up. You fuck up. We all do. Most of the suffering (if not all) in the world would be prevented if people would just stop fucking up. We don't live up to who we'd like to be, or who we're called to be, or who our parents or friends or teachers or lovers think we are.
Ash Wednesday was yesterday. It is my favorite holiday (I know, weird.) But I like it because it reminds us how human we are. "Remember that you are from dust, and to dust you will return." Dust. That is all we are. Without grace, without love, without redemption - we are dust. It's humbling. It's important to remember, and admit, and move on.
I am only dust without Your Grace. But with Your Grace, I am beautiful. I am a Creation. I am Amanda. And yeah, I fall short. And yeah, I fuck up. A lot. And a lot of those fuck ups are the same thing over and over and over again. But that is the essence of humanity. That is the purpose of Redemption and the Hope that comes from Communion with God. Lent is all about admiting our humanity and pursuing the Divine.
I am looking forward to this chance to Recreate. To dance, and love, and start over, and try again. To listen to Jesus, to listen to Amanda. And to be.
It's interesting though, sometimes I let the mistakes really get me down. There are still mistakes resonating from last semester or the summer or a few years ago that from time to time take over my mind, and I sit around thinking about them. Trying to figure out what I should have done differently. Trying to figure out what I did that went against Who I Was Created to Be, and how I can keep from doing that in the future.
The thing is, though, I can't. And maybe that is the lesson in forgiveness that I keep being supposed to learn and don't. I fuck up. You fuck up. We all do. Most of the suffering (if not all) in the world would be prevented if people would just stop fucking up. We don't live up to who we'd like to be, or who we're called to be, or who our parents or friends or teachers or lovers think we are.
Ash Wednesday was yesterday. It is my favorite holiday (I know, weird.) But I like it because it reminds us how human we are. "Remember that you are from dust, and to dust you will return." Dust. That is all we are. Without grace, without love, without redemption - we are dust. It's humbling. It's important to remember, and admit, and move on.
I am only dust without Your Grace. But with Your Grace, I am beautiful. I am a Creation. I am Amanda. And yeah, I fall short. And yeah, I fuck up. A lot. And a lot of those fuck ups are the same thing over and over and over again. But that is the essence of humanity. That is the purpose of Redemption and the Hope that comes from Communion with God. Lent is all about admiting our humanity and pursuing the Divine.
I am looking forward to this chance to Recreate. To dance, and love, and start over, and try again. To listen to Jesus, to listen to Amanda. And to be.
Monday, October 15, 2007
Sin, Celebrations, and the Virgin Whore
Over the weekend I went to Davidson to see Colleen, and then I went home for a few days. And it was sort of a time of renewal. I really needed to get away - get out of Boone - and remember who I am and what I want to do, like in life. It was really good to be with people who remember. It was really good just to be.
Anyway, I observed my old english teacher's AP English 12 class, and they were talking about Heart of Darkness and Apocalypse Now and Hamlet and Million Dollar Baby and some poems. And the kids started talking about "the edge". Like where is that place when you are no longer really human . . . you are lost? And how do you get there? And how do you keep from getting there? And situations that require you to pick the lesser of 2 evils, and such.
As they were talking, my teacher brought up a very important point. And for me, sin was finally defined. Sin is something I have really been struggling with for the past few years. Not in terms of committing a lot of sins, although I am sure that has happened, but in terms of finding a definition I could live with. I don't buy into sin as being defined biblically . . . there are too many rules and laws in the bible, and they are too contextual. I don't buy into sin as something that separates you from God . . . I mean ok . . . but that definiton gets thrown at people and alot and really I think it would be different for each person.
But anyway, my teacher asked the students to think about times when they have done things that they know go against the person they were meant to be. And I think that fits. I think it works because you can feel it when it happens. And there is not a specific action that qualifies - it depends on who you are and who you want to be and where you are on your journey. And it works for things you honestly don't know are wrong - because how can you sin out of ignorance? I like it. I think it's true.
I think I have been doing a lot of things recently that go against who I was meant to be. And they're not big things. They're little things. But they build up. And I get caught in this monotony and this feeling of being stagnant. . . Like maybe where I am was fine a year ago, but I am not growing closer to that person that I want to be. I am just here, being. And it is sort of gross. Sort of like when you ride in a car for too long or somethiing. Nothing terrible, just a little gross. So I want to make a commitment to myself to take time to ask God, and myself, where I am going. To think about each day as a Creation. And to take advantage of chances I have to grow and change.
Also, I have been thinking about the women in my life, particularly those of you who are far away. And recently I've been looking foward to things to celebrate with you - like Halloween or birthdays or graduating or getting married (hypothetically). And I have decided that it is maybe the truest blessing to have people who can share your celebrations. Like of course a lot of people are always up for a party, but to have people who really understand what specific celebrations mean to you, and who are willing to celebrate them - even to celebrate a break up or a bad grade or a period - who understand you enough to understand why the celebration matters - and who really want to share in it - that is something beautiful. We tend ot think of close friends as people who can share in our suffering. And that is a blessing too, but it has been my experience that most times suffering is not really something that can be shared with another. Others can listen, and hug, and love - but they can not truly share. Celebrations, I think, can be shared. Truly. And I am excited about all the ones that are to come, and the beautiful friends I have to share them with.
Lastly, and I realize that this post is very random and also lengthy, I wanted to share a quote I came across about the Virgin Mary. Now lots of times I am not so much a fan of Mary, because she is so "pure" and such, and it gets old. Interestingly enough if anyone remembers my "virgin whore" poem/joke from high school it turns out that is a real sociological phenomena. Like women are expected to be pure but also seductive, which causes psychological confusion, and leads to sexism . . . but it is called the Virgin Whore. I learned that today in DEs. But anyway, Clarissa Pinkola Estes wrote about Mary so beautifully, and with such passion and realism, that it made me sort of fall in love with her. This is what she said:
Can you imagine anything more beautiful than that?
Anyway, I observed my old english teacher's AP English 12 class, and they were talking about Heart of Darkness and Apocalypse Now and Hamlet and Million Dollar Baby and some poems. And the kids started talking about "the edge". Like where is that place when you are no longer really human . . . you are lost? And how do you get there? And how do you keep from getting there? And situations that require you to pick the lesser of 2 evils, and such.
As they were talking, my teacher brought up a very important point. And for me, sin was finally defined. Sin is something I have really been struggling with for the past few years. Not in terms of committing a lot of sins, although I am sure that has happened, but in terms of finding a definition I could live with. I don't buy into sin as being defined biblically . . . there are too many rules and laws in the bible, and they are too contextual. I don't buy into sin as something that separates you from God . . . I mean ok . . . but that definiton gets thrown at people and alot and really I think it would be different for each person.
But anyway, my teacher asked the students to think about times when they have done things that they know go against the person they were meant to be. And I think that fits. I think it works because you can feel it when it happens. And there is not a specific action that qualifies - it depends on who you are and who you want to be and where you are on your journey. And it works for things you honestly don't know are wrong - because how can you sin out of ignorance? I like it. I think it's true.
I think I have been doing a lot of things recently that go against who I was meant to be. And they're not big things. They're little things. But they build up. And I get caught in this monotony and this feeling of being stagnant. . . Like maybe where I am was fine a year ago, but I am not growing closer to that person that I want to be. I am just here, being. And it is sort of gross. Sort of like when you ride in a car for too long or somethiing. Nothing terrible, just a little gross. So I want to make a commitment to myself to take time to ask God, and myself, where I am going. To think about each day as a Creation. And to take advantage of chances I have to grow and change.
Also, I have been thinking about the women in my life, particularly those of you who are far away. And recently I've been looking foward to things to celebrate with you - like Halloween or birthdays or graduating or getting married (hypothetically). And I have decided that it is maybe the truest blessing to have people who can share your celebrations. Like of course a lot of people are always up for a party, but to have people who really understand what specific celebrations mean to you, and who are willing to celebrate them - even to celebrate a break up or a bad grade or a period - who understand you enough to understand why the celebration matters - and who really want to share in it - that is something beautiful. We tend ot think of close friends as people who can share in our suffering. And that is a blessing too, but it has been my experience that most times suffering is not really something that can be shared with another. Others can listen, and hug, and love - but they can not truly share. Celebrations, I think, can be shared. Truly. And I am excited about all the ones that are to come, and the beautiful friends I have to share them with.
Lastly, and I realize that this post is very random and also lengthy, I wanted to share a quote I came across about the Virgin Mary. Now lots of times I am not so much a fan of Mary, because she is so "pure" and such, and it gets old. Interestingly enough if anyone remembers my "virgin whore" poem/joke from high school it turns out that is a real sociological phenomena. Like women are expected to be pure but also seductive, which causes psychological confusion, and leads to sexism . . . but it is called the Virgin Whore. I learned that today in DEs. But anyway, Clarissa Pinkola Estes wrote about Mary so beautifully, and with such passion and realism, that it made me sort of fall in love with her. This is what she said:
"La Nuestra Senora, this Miryam, Maria, Mary, Madre Guadalupe, is no lanina pura, no nice, pure, obedient girl. She is instead pure woman, obedient only to the wildest Force imaginable: that Source without source, La Voz, The voice so much larger than her own voice, the One who asked that she lend her blood, her bones, and her spirit to create a Life that would forever be named Eternal Love."
Can you imagine anything more beautiful than that?
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
Sanctify
So today I was sort of yearning for osmething . . . holy. So I went to Howard's Knob. It was cloudy and hazy outside, and about 6:30. I just caught a glimpse of sunset. But it was such a peaceful, holy place. It was so beautiful to be surrounded by Creation. To take a step back, and think of what it means to commune with God. What it means to make something sacred. To make time sacred. To make a moment sacred. To make an action, or a task, or a relationship sacred. To honor the sacred in another. To honor the sacred in myself.
So often I lose sight of the sacred that is all around. I forget to stop and take time to acknowledge the beauty and power around me. I forget to humble myself and seek the sanctity of honesty, love, and selflessness.
As I was looking out over Boone, I thought of other sacred moments I have shared at Howard's Knob. Moments of prayer and study and worship - alone, but alos often with Abby. I thought about her journey to find the Sacred in Grenada, and of the blessing we share in prayer and love for one another. I thought about the Seminarians in Mexico. Perhaps the most important thing they gave me was the gift of a week in which everything became sacred. They gave a glimpse into true community, true worship, true sacrifice.
That is what I want to carry into my life. Through all that I do. I want my teaching to be sacred, my friendships to be sacred, my endeavors to be sacred. I want to love with all that I am, to worship with all that I am, to seek truth with all that I am. I don't want to lose sight of all that is to come, of all that is around in the monotony of every day. I want each day to be an opportunity for worship. EAch moment to be an encounter with the sacred. The special. The beautiful. God.
So often I lose sight of the sacred that is all around. I forget to stop and take time to acknowledge the beauty and power around me. I forget to humble myself and seek the sanctity of honesty, love, and selflessness.
As I was looking out over Boone, I thought of other sacred moments I have shared at Howard's Knob. Moments of prayer and study and worship - alone, but alos often with Abby. I thought about her journey to find the Sacred in Grenada, and of the blessing we share in prayer and love for one another. I thought about the Seminarians in Mexico. Perhaps the most important thing they gave me was the gift of a week in which everything became sacred. They gave a glimpse into true community, true worship, true sacrifice.
That is what I want to carry into my life. Through all that I do. I want my teaching to be sacred, my friendships to be sacred, my endeavors to be sacred. I want to love with all that I am, to worship with all that I am, to seek truth with all that I am. I don't want to lose sight of all that is to come, of all that is around in the monotony of every day. I want each day to be an opportunity for worship. EAch moment to be an encounter with the sacred. The special. The beautiful. God.
Monday, October 1, 2007
RAPPS
So . . . I am trying to start a long-distance small group. I know that sounds kinda lame. But I realized that there are a lot of really interesting, intelligent, open-minded people in my life that I would like to discuss things like God and faith with, but that at the moment most of them do not live in Boone. So I decided it was worth a shot. And I have gotten some interest. People seem pretty open to discussing some Bible-ness in a nontraditional format. Of course, we'll have to wait and see where it goes. But I am excited. It seems like it could be a great forum for discussiong questions and struggles and passions openly and honestly. We started another blogspot account where we can post our responses and questions to whatever readings we are following.
Today I taught my first lesson, and I think it went pretty well. It was about the First Amendment. The class I am in always, ALWAYS fills out a worksheet about the section in the book while the student teacher goes over a textbook-created power point presentation of the same information, so I was afraid to deviate too far from the standard. I did, however, create my own power point presentation. And I added a short video about the supreme court case Tinker v. Des Moines (about freedom of speech in schools related to protest armbands during Vietnam). Students filled out a little viewing guide worksheet about the video, and used the precedent to form their own opinion about whether or not the Confederate flag should be allowed to be displayed at school. Out of 3 classes of over 25 students each, about 4 kids are against the Confederate flag being allowed at school. Haha. Proof that I am not indoctrinating my students with my personal opinions . . . at least not yet. Interestingly, at Avery high school, kids are allowed to wear the confederate flag. It was against the rules at my high school.
Anyway, I think it went okay. It was kinda hard to get kids to talk. But that might be a little easier if I had known anyone's name so I could call on them. And noone was rude or mean or anything. And I think they go their boring worksheets filled out ok. And I felt sort of alive and happy and like I was actually contributing to something. So I guess we can count it as a success. The next lesson I am teaching will be about Swann v. Charlotte-Meck schools. Be excited.
Today I taught my first lesson, and I think it went pretty well. It was about the First Amendment. The class I am in always, ALWAYS fills out a worksheet about the section in the book while the student teacher goes over a textbook-created power point presentation of the same information, so I was afraid to deviate too far from the standard. I did, however, create my own power point presentation. And I added a short video about the supreme court case Tinker v. Des Moines (about freedom of speech in schools related to protest armbands during Vietnam). Students filled out a little viewing guide worksheet about the video, and used the precedent to form their own opinion about whether or not the Confederate flag should be allowed to be displayed at school. Out of 3 classes of over 25 students each, about 4 kids are against the Confederate flag being allowed at school. Haha. Proof that I am not indoctrinating my students with my personal opinions . . . at least not yet. Interestingly, at Avery high school, kids are allowed to wear the confederate flag. It was against the rules at my high school.
Anyway, I think it went okay. It was kinda hard to get kids to talk. But that might be a little easier if I had known anyone's name so I could call on them. And noone was rude or mean or anything. And I think they go their boring worksheets filled out ok. And I felt sort of alive and happy and like I was actually contributing to something. So I guess we can count it as a success. The next lesson I am teaching will be about Swann v. Charlotte-Meck schools. Be excited.
Sunday, September 9, 2007
Beyond Me
Have I mentioned that I wish I had a small group?
Well, I do. In a way. I miss having that community, and support, and challenge. I miss interesting perspectives about God and life. Recently, it seems that all the small groups I've tried either piss me off or are all like "Jesus loves you. You should pray. God wants us all to be nice to each other." Which is fine . . . But I kinda want something more. I want to really explore the Bible and why we even listen to it . . . or talk about social justice issues related to Christianity . . . or explore feminist theology . . . or talk about Jesus as an educator. Something new. Something different. Something to make me think and pray and act.
I feel closest to God now when I am all by myself. Which is a new experience for me. I feel closest to God when I am thinking about education. When I am exploring how to reach children and how to love children and how to create justice through education. Sometimes I get this huge "I know this is what I have to do." feeling about social justice education. It is like this incredible hand pushing me or something. But I also get this huge feeling of being overwhelmed. Of never being good enough. Like I know no matter how hard I try, I am not gonna reach every person. Parts of me are gonna suck. And I'm scared of being a bad teacher or human being or of not reaching my potential or of being too afraid to make any difference. I'm scared of not loving enough. Of not trying enough. Of not knowing enough. It's all these big feelings. It's kinda complicated.
Tomorrow I begin my internship at Avery High School. I am pretty excited. I am working with a Civics teacher which is awesome, because I think I really want to teach Civics and World History. This semester I am also doing a senior project where I will be desigining a Civics cirriculum that integrates social justice pedagogy. I"m pretty excited about that too. I hope that is the beginning for something great . . . something fun and challenging and meaningful and beyond me.
Well, I do. In a way. I miss having that community, and support, and challenge. I miss interesting perspectives about God and life. Recently, it seems that all the small groups I've tried either piss me off or are all like "Jesus loves you. You should pray. God wants us all to be nice to each other." Which is fine . . . But I kinda want something more. I want to really explore the Bible and why we even listen to it . . . or talk about social justice issues related to Christianity . . . or explore feminist theology . . . or talk about Jesus as an educator. Something new. Something different. Something to make me think and pray and act.
I feel closest to God now when I am all by myself. Which is a new experience for me. I feel closest to God when I am thinking about education. When I am exploring how to reach children and how to love children and how to create justice through education. Sometimes I get this huge "I know this is what I have to do." feeling about social justice education. It is like this incredible hand pushing me or something. But I also get this huge feeling of being overwhelmed. Of never being good enough. Like I know no matter how hard I try, I am not gonna reach every person. Parts of me are gonna suck. And I'm scared of being a bad teacher or human being or of not reaching my potential or of being too afraid to make any difference. I'm scared of not loving enough. Of not trying enough. Of not knowing enough. It's all these big feelings. It's kinda complicated.
Tomorrow I begin my internship at Avery High School. I am pretty excited. I am working with a Civics teacher which is awesome, because I think I really want to teach Civics and World History. This semester I am also doing a senior project where I will be desigining a Civics cirriculum that integrates social justice pedagogy. I"m pretty excited about that too. I hope that is the beginning for something great . . . something fun and challenging and meaningful and beyond me.
Thursday, August 2, 2007
beyond the sunset
Last night I had a dream that I was pregnant and drinking wine. And I was very happy.
Now of course, that is not a good combination of situations to begin with. And the joy I felt was strange, because for many years I have had a recurring dream that I was pregnant, and this dream has always come as a nightmare. I have felt ashamed and sad and confused and terrified and unsure of how to handle the situation.
Last night, though, I felt blessed. And happy. And alive. And I wanted to celebrate with my friends.
I looked up pregnancy and wine in a dream symbols dictionary online. I am a big believer in dreams - what they tell us about ourselves, our inner wants and fears and relationships. I think God talks through dreams all the time.
According to the dream dictionary, a glass of wine symbolizes joy, celebration, and often (ironically enough) pregnancy. Pregnancy in a dream symbolizes the birth of a new self, transformation, and new beginnings. Just for clarification, I am certain that I am not pregnant, so we'll have to go with the more symbolic interpretations.
In many ways this dream makes sense because yesterday I just moved into a new apartment. I spent the day unpacking, cleaning, and decorating. I did most of it alone, and it was a good day. It was good for me to be creating something. To have space to be and feel and make this part of my life the way I would like for it to be. It was good for me to have space for myself to be alone and to feel at home.
Last night, Jimbo, Erin, Abby, and Jeffrey came over. Close friends. My best friends. Two of them are leaving within a few weeks. And the night was great - they examined my apartment and gave me advice about decorating and maintenance and helped me set up a few things. And we talked about college. We reminisced about our favorite times and our growing times and our times together. It was beautiful. And I felt so at home. So content.
At the end, though, Abby started crying. And I can't blame her really. She and Erin are leaving soon and I am sad beyond words. Two of my three best friends. Gone. And Abby will be in Greneda, which is not exactly a drivable visit. This year beginning is a hard thing for me to accept. It is hard for me to imagine the year to come - how I will fit, who I will love, who will hold me when I cry or drink wine with me or dance in the rain or pray with me . . .
This sisterhood I've shared with these girls has been irreplacable - special - beautiful - sacred. I've spent a lot of time worrying and crying about what is to come. And I love Jeffrey, again, beyond words. But of course he is a boy, which makes things different. And our relationship has changed a lot within the past four or five months. It's been tense at times - and I know our friendship is stronger now, but there is a lot of unknown there too . . .
So anyway, I've felt a lot of anxiety about AUGUST. About being a senior, student teaching, and ALL THAT IS TO COME. But last night, I did not feel any of this. I just felt peace, and joy. And I know that it will be okay. That this year will be an opportunity to discover myself and explore Boone and this world (college) as far as possible. That it will be my last chance to live in the moment and pull the young-stupid-just having fun card. And that God, grace, and love will be present every step of the way.
I remember when I was in Mexico one of the most comforting thoughts I had was that I am loved - even beyond the sunset. I mean that if they sun were to never rise tomorrow, I would still know that there is a love that will follow me through eternity - wherever I may go. I am so grateful for those relationships that nourish that type of love.
As E.E. Cummings wrote:
Now of course, that is not a good combination of situations to begin with. And the joy I felt was strange, because for many years I have had a recurring dream that I was pregnant, and this dream has always come as a nightmare. I have felt ashamed and sad and confused and terrified and unsure of how to handle the situation.
Last night, though, I felt blessed. And happy. And alive. And I wanted to celebrate with my friends.
I looked up pregnancy and wine in a dream symbols dictionary online. I am a big believer in dreams - what they tell us about ourselves, our inner wants and fears and relationships. I think God talks through dreams all the time.
According to the dream dictionary, a glass of wine symbolizes joy, celebration, and often (ironically enough) pregnancy. Pregnancy in a dream symbolizes the birth of a new self, transformation, and new beginnings. Just for clarification, I am certain that I am not pregnant, so we'll have to go with the more symbolic interpretations.
In many ways this dream makes sense because yesterday I just moved into a new apartment. I spent the day unpacking, cleaning, and decorating. I did most of it alone, and it was a good day. It was good for me to be creating something. To have space to be and feel and make this part of my life the way I would like for it to be. It was good for me to have space for myself to be alone and to feel at home.
Last night, Jimbo, Erin, Abby, and Jeffrey came over. Close friends. My best friends. Two of them are leaving within a few weeks. And the night was great - they examined my apartment and gave me advice about decorating and maintenance and helped me set up a few things. And we talked about college. We reminisced about our favorite times and our growing times and our times together. It was beautiful. And I felt so at home. So content.
At the end, though, Abby started crying. And I can't blame her really. She and Erin are leaving soon and I am sad beyond words. Two of my three best friends. Gone. And Abby will be in Greneda, which is not exactly a drivable visit. This year beginning is a hard thing for me to accept. It is hard for me to imagine the year to come - how I will fit, who I will love, who will hold me when I cry or drink wine with me or dance in the rain or pray with me . . .
This sisterhood I've shared with these girls has been irreplacable - special - beautiful - sacred. I've spent a lot of time worrying and crying about what is to come. And I love Jeffrey, again, beyond words. But of course he is a boy, which makes things different. And our relationship has changed a lot within the past four or five months. It's been tense at times - and I know our friendship is stronger now, but there is a lot of unknown there too . . .
So anyway, I've felt a lot of anxiety about AUGUST. About being a senior, student teaching, and ALL THAT IS TO COME. But last night, I did not feel any of this. I just felt peace, and joy. And I know that it will be okay. That this year will be an opportunity to discover myself and explore Boone and this world (college) as far as possible. That it will be my last chance to live in the moment and pull the young-stupid-just having fun card. And that God, grace, and love will be present every step of the way.
I remember when I was in Mexico one of the most comforting thoughts I had was that I am loved - even beyond the sunset. I mean that if they sun were to never rise tomorrow, I would still know that there is a love that will follow me through eternity - wherever I may go. I am so grateful for those relationships that nourish that type of love.
As E.E. Cummings wrote:
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)
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