Now of course, that is not a good combination of situations to begin with. And the joy I felt was strange, because for many years I have had a recurring dream that I was pregnant, and this dream has always come as a nightmare. I have felt ashamed and sad and confused and terrified and unsure of how to handle the situation.
Last night, though, I felt blessed. And happy. And alive. And I wanted to celebrate with my friends.
I looked up pregnancy and wine in a dream symbols dictionary online. I am a big believer in dreams - what they tell us about ourselves, our inner wants and fears and relationships. I think God talks through dreams all the time.
According to the dream dictionary, a glass of wine symbolizes joy, celebration, and often (ironically enough) pregnancy. Pregnancy in a dream symbolizes the birth of a new self, transformation, and new beginnings. Just for clarification, I am certain that I am not pregnant, so we'll have to go with the more symbolic interpretations.
In many ways this dream makes sense because yesterday I just moved into a new apartment. I spent the day unpacking, cleaning, and decorating. I did most of it alone, and it was a good day. It was good for me to be creating something. To have space to be and feel and make this part of my life the way I would like for it to be. It was good for me to have space for myself to be alone and to feel at home.
Last night, Jimbo, Erin, Abby, and Jeffrey came over. Close friends. My best friends. Two of them are leaving within a few weeks. And the night was great - they examined my apartment and gave me advice about decorating and maintenance and helped me set up a few things. And we talked about college. We reminisced about our favorite times and our growing times and our times together. It was beautiful. And I felt so at home. So content.
At the end, though, Abby started crying. And I can't blame her really. She and Erin are leaving soon and I am sad beyond words. Two of my three best friends. Gone. And Abby will be in Greneda, which is not exactly a drivable visit. This year beginning is a hard thing for me to accept. It is hard for me to imagine the year to come - how I will fit, who I will love, who will hold me when I cry or drink wine with me or dance in the rain or pray with me . . .
This sisterhood I've shared with these girls has been irreplacable - special - beautiful - sacred. I've spent a lot of time worrying and crying about what is to come. And I love Jeffrey, again, beyond words. But of course he is a boy, which makes things different. And our relationship has changed a lot within the past four or five months. It's been tense at times - and I know our friendship is stronger now, but there is a lot of unknown there too . . .
So anyway, I've felt a lot of anxiety about AUGUST. About being a senior, student teaching, and ALL THAT IS TO COME. But last night, I did not feel any of this. I just felt peace, and joy. And I know that it will be okay. That this year will be an opportunity to discover myself and explore Boone and this world (college) as far as possible. That it will be my last chance to live in the moment and pull the young-stupid-just having fun card. And that God, grace, and love will be present every step of the way.
I remember when I was in Mexico one of the most comforting thoughts I had was that I am loved - even beyond the sunset. I mean that if they sun were to never rise tomorrow, I would still know that there is a love that will follow me through eternity - wherever I may go. I am so grateful for those relationships that nourish that type of love.
As E.E. Cummings wrote:
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)