Saturday, February 9, 2008

Shame on You

Just got back from an Indigo Girls concert. It was incredible. Absolutely amazing. Women everywhere: dancing and happy. I love Asheville. I love live music. I love their lyrics and their guitars and the passion and love that were everywhere. The whole auditorium sang along to every song. Such a feeling of joy and community - and I love when someone takes the thoughts in my head and turns them into a song. Sheryl Crowe. Ani. Alanis. Christine Kane. The Indigo Girls. They make art out of life.

Anyway, in their song, "Shame On You," one verse goes like this:

My friend Tanner she says you know
Me and Jesus were of the same heart
The only thing that keeps us distant
Is that I keep fuckin up

Everyone screams the last line. And I love it. Because it is true. Because it is real. Because it embraces humanity, and women, and life.

Thursday, February 7, 2008

Fucking Up

So I was looking at a friend's Facebook profile today, and her "About Me" says: i fuck up. And I thought, dude, that should be my about me. That's perfect. Because let's face it, I do.

It's interesting though, sometimes I let the mistakes really get me down. There are still mistakes resonating from last semester or the summer or a few years ago that from time to time take over my mind, and I sit around thinking about them. Trying to figure out what I should have done differently. Trying to figure out what I did that went against Who I Was Created to Be, and how I can keep from doing that in the future.

The thing is, though, I can't. And maybe that is the lesson in forgiveness that I keep being supposed to learn and don't. I fuck up. You fuck up. We all do. Most of the suffering (if not all) in the world would be prevented if people would just stop fucking up. We don't live up to who we'd like to be, or who we're called to be, or who our parents or friends or teachers or lovers think we are.

Ash Wednesday was yesterday. It is my favorite holiday (I know, weird.) But I like it because it reminds us how human we are. "Remember that you are from dust, and to dust you will return." Dust. That is all we are. Without grace, without love, without redemption - we are dust. It's humbling. It's important to remember, and admit, and move on.

I am only dust without Your Grace. But with Your Grace, I am beautiful. I am a Creation. I am Amanda. And yeah, I fall short. And yeah, I fuck up. A lot. And a lot of those fuck ups are the same thing over and over and over again. But that is the essence of humanity. That is the purpose of Redemption and the Hope that comes from Communion with God. Lent is all about admiting our humanity and pursuing the Divine.

I am looking forward to this chance to Recreate. To dance, and love, and start over, and try again. To listen to Jesus, to listen to Amanda. And to be.